this is very hard for me to admit to myself, but i have let myself go. i don't know if it's a mental health thing, burnout, being lost in life or just plain finding it easier to not do anything but i know i need a change.
i'm terrified of starting anything. it's so weird to be so easy on myself on some things (enjoying drawing despite not being good at it, for example) and so hard on others. i'm holding myself back by not letting myself even start.
there's a lot of baggage i've been dealing with during the years, but last summer was (despite a few Not That Great aspects of it) one of the happiest times of my life. when was i the happiest? when i was the busiest!
i had a job for the first time in a long while, and also for the first time in a while had something i HAD to show up to. there was no option to just stay inside, coddle myself and tell myself i just wasn't ready to return to real life yet.
the reality is i have to return to real life. i have my studies, my health, my home, my relationships and so much else to look after. i don't know why i've felt so stuck for so long or why exactly the job got me out of that feeling, but it feels like i'm falling into that weird time loop of a place again and i just can't afford it.
so here goes, a messy, quick, non-detailed mess of a text. i'm stuck and i need to not feel that way. and i'm taking action to start feeling better.
i started short-term therapy and am meeting some sort of a counselor for my university studies soon, and i hope to start clearing out my head and getting my life back on track with their help. and maybe getting back to some hobbies while i'm at it. hi, neocities :-)