journal.

A small peek into whatever's going on in my mind and in my life. I won't go into details on personal information due to this being a website on the internet and such, but there are some thoughts I'd like to share.

Take with you what you will!

tenth may, 2025

I find it difficult to fully, whole-heartedly recognize this website is entirely my own space, made for my own entertainment and thus meaning the only person I need to please and the only one this website is really made for is me.

I suspect this uncertainty comes from the way social media usually functions, which I really don't need to spell out word for word since most of you are familiar with it one way or another. Likes, shares, comments, reblogs, whatever you want to call them. What you make on the internet is content, and engagement defines its worth.

I doubt social media is entirely to blame for this. I've recognized a pattern of trying to please everyone, to stay out of the way and not take up space in many aspects of my life. So much so I sometimes end up avoiding certain situations altogether, renaming my avoidance tendencies "self care" or "rest" or "learning to respect my own time".

Learning to respect my own time. Really?

Am I respecting my time when I avoid my responsibilities for days on end only to end up doing what feels like the bare minimum? Am I respecting my time when I run away from every task that has the possibility for making me uncomfortable, irritable or, god forbid, bored?

I sometimes want to call whatever funk I'm in a seasonal problem or an early stage of burnout, and some mental health issues certainly do play a part in this... everything I have, but taking "well-deserved breaks" from my life isn't really having the positive effect I'm looking for if all I do is either doomscroll to avoid thinking about what I need to do, frantically search the internet for solutions to very specific problems or blankly stare out of the window in hopes of Finally Figuring It All Out.

I seem to refuse to admit the work I need to do will take some time. I live in constant hope of one day waking up a healed, happy person who knows how to dance through life effortlessly.

I'm not in any way completely miserable, but the fact I'm "doing kind of okay at least sometimes" and my life isn't in shambles doesn't mean I can't make improvements in my current situation. I don't need to wait for the magical movie moment lowest low to know I want to make a change.

what I enjoy about my current routine:

• waking up early: makes me feel calm and ready to take on the day
• moving or exercising: makes me happier and helps me trust my body

what I don't enjoy about my current routine:

• the weird habit of avoidance, uncertainty and fear around [redacted] making it easy for me to avoid others. being alone makes it easier to get through those spiraling thoughts, but also makes it harder to confidently function in social situations.
• the "I just need to Think About It Really Hard and one day I will have Thought enough and the problem will be solved" mentality. will it really? will I ever actually think about it? work through it?
• seeking reassurance on the internet. encouraging words can be nice and asking for advice is often good, but it's often just me going in a circle asking for answers to the same questions over and over again. I need to make a decision and learn I don't need to confirm if it was the correct one over and over again.

The tough pill to swallow is that there is no other person whose life and words and carefully curated image on YouTube vlogs or blog texts will be the definitive answer to my (not even fully formed) questions and frustrations about my life.

In pop culture references I'd like to refer you to the Avatar: The Last Airbender episode Bitter Work.

To state it simply, I need to become an earthbender I guess?

I need to become an earthbender.

sixth april, 2025

to do

listening

• ambience from The Ambient Tavern